1. |
pandora
04:08
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shepherd, you are the deepest mines and the tallest of the hills
young girl, you hold the world’s eyes and all the world’s ills
and curiosity is deadly, it’s the poison in the pills
so your eternal peace shall rest upon the roses and the daffodils
shepherd, you are the brightest moon and the darkest of the skies
young girl, you hold the world’s heart and all the world’s lies
and love, she’s fickle and she’s cruel, but she still tries to sympathize
so you surround yourself with paramours who give you reason to arise
and would you rather live for honesty or for deceit?
and would you gather what is yours or would you let it be?
and would you break your lover’s heart or would you set her free?
shepherd, you are the deepest mines and the tallest of the hills
young girl, you hold the world’s eyes and all the world’s ills
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2. |
misery loves company
04:37
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your touch so much more tender in the dark
because it’s easier to hide your shame
in wandering fingers and gentle teeth
and eyes that are open but cannot see
your body is a fortress and he is a battering ram
it’s hard to keep quiet so he covers your lips with a burning hand
and you always do it like dogs ‘cause his face isn’t one you can stand
then he pulls off the rubber and you put on your clothes
and you drive away as fast as you can
misery loves company, but only for a night
you tell yourself that everything will be alright
your faith so much more fragile in the dark
because it’s easier to break your vow
with sideways glances and shallow breath
and knees that give out under your body with each little death
you know that you’re being so cruel
when you wordlessly show him the door
but you can’t keep your hands clean
and you’re tired of this scene
so you try not to care that you’re leaving him sore
but the wreckage is scattered all over your room
reminders you cannot ignore
so you sweep all the memories under your bed
and you swear you won’t see him no more
misery loves company, but only for a night
you tell yourself that everything will be alright
you break your own heart and you leave it out to dry
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3. |
knife's edge
04:49
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cut through the ribbon, your knife was slow and obstinate
in hospital waiting rooms, picking your way through bassinets
and you couldn’t find the right one, you couldn’t find the one that was the color of your blood
you couldn’t find your baby in that maze of hazy incandescent lights
cut from the same cloth, the child you lost and the child you stole from his mother’s arms
she screamed and pointed but you were long gone
you couldn’t be a mother, you couldn’t be the next best thing even though you tried
you couldn’t be a killer but you could neglect the proof of your failures
and now on the knife’s edge you live, waiting for your time
you could you find your heart and you could breathe it in or you could let it die
‘cause you don’t want to stay but you don’t want to leave
‘cause you’ve found a bloody comfort in instability
so you could carry on or you could dig your grave
and lay yourself to rest with the child that you made
pull back the curtain, you cross your heart and hope to find
a premonition clawing at your window, take it inside and give it some water
you couldn’t break your promise - you couldn’t leave that wretched thing out in the cold to die
you couldn’t be a savior but you could pretend that everything would be alright
and now on the knife’s edge you live, waiting for your time
you could you find your heart and you could breathe it in or you could let it lie
‘cause you don’t want to stay but you don’t want to leave
‘cause you’ve found a bloody comfort in instability
so you could carry on or you could dig your grave
and lay yourself to rest with the child that you named
your world has cracked right open beneath your feet
and the rubble and the ruins are all you can see
‘cause there’s fog in your eyes and a translucency
and the signal from the microwave is cutting out the feed
and you could leave it, leave it, leave it, leave it, leave it alone
or you could beat it, beat it, beat it, you could turn it stone
or you could smash it, break it, crush it, hurt it, throw it, punch it, kick it, burn it
give back all the pain it caused
no, no, no, no, no, no, no
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4. |
disappearing act
05:56
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dim-lit house, halogen lamps
memories buried in the backyard camping ground
you were six and invincible
writing letters to your future selves in a time capsule
to open it in twenty years, you’re six months late
couldn’t bear to step across the threshold of this deceased estate
filled with strangers you’ve always known
who know you by the wrong name
sixteenth birthday, disappearing act
took a greyhound to the west coast and never looked back
turned some tricks out of a motel eight
anything to wash oklahoma’s sour taste out of your mouth
fell into a scene in a club on the south side
the pros and the queens, jokers and mean girls
all dolled up in powdered wigs and eyelashes and curls
and they’d say hey, girl
what’s your name, girl?
you and i, we’re the same, girl
and you’re alright
yeah, they’d say hey, girl
why are you so afraid, girl?
i said you and i, we’re the same, girl
and girl, you’re alright
dim-lit highway, midnight drive
keeping your promise to the child that never died
so scared of fading away
‘cause you can be invincible and still be forgotten someday
and in berkeley you are a queen
an athena, sprung out fully formed with no history
no past to forget, but you carry it in your dreams
that little boy’s still holding on to the only future he can see
the only future she can see
and you wish you could write back to that girl and tell her
hey, girl
i know your name, girl
you and i, we’re the same girl
and you’ll be alright
you wanna tell her
hey, girl
you’ll find a new name, girl
you’ll disappear and come back brave, girl
and you’ll be alright
you’ll be alright
you’ll be alright
you’ll be alright
you’ll be alright
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5. |
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you quarantined yourself in a room with four black walls and no windows
if you can’t see it, it isn’t there
you gouged your eyes out, sat there in the darkness shivering
if you can’t see it, then you’re not scared
you can’t convince yourself the fear that you feel
is just a rational reaction to the violence of the world
knowing something doesn’t write it on your heart
and stabbing pens into your chest just makes the ink clog up your veins
you never used to dream, so you’d make up stories when you woke
but these days you dream every night of a body folded under the oak
it has no face and it has no name and you wake up with dead leaves in your throat
for blindness cannot save you from a story that you own
the inside of your eyelids’ a screen your mind will always show
you quarantined yourself in a memory descending toward devotion
if you can’t feel it, it isn’t there
you scooped out every pound of flesh his fingers had ever charred
if you can’t feel him, then you’re not scared
you can’t convince yourself the hatred that you feel
is just a natural part of grieving the only half of you you’d loved
and ridding yourself of the remnants of his touch
will only leave you a half-lit matchstick boy with your face flushed, lying damp there in the snow
you never learned how to fly ‘cause it seemed like such a cheap escape
and the burning paper between your lips is a cruel reminder of plans unmade
‘cause fire’s worst-kept secret is that you lose the kindling to the flame
and the ashes that you’re left with aren’t enough to spell his name
they’re just enough to write a eulogy for an empty frame
you walk home alone on a stormy night
and you can just barely see the mist of your breath ‘neath the streetlights
you open the door, drop your keys in the bowl
and you fall into the kitchen chair where he once sat before
shake the snowflakes out of your hair, pretend that he’s right there
his body a shield against the freezing reeling drunken winter air
he asks you how was your day, you say that it was fine
and you soak in the heavy silence ‘cause you both know that you’re lying
you know there’s no point to conversing with a ghost
but it’s easier to cry to the empty space if you pretend that it’s a shoulder you know
and you know there’s no point to picking at the wounds
and the scars are so fucking ugly but you don’t know what else to do
you’re fraying at the seams, a ragged paper doll
and the letters printed on your ribs tell a story that you wish you could recall
there’s a hollow in your chest, your sternum’s caving in
and the cavern left is a sacred ground that one day will be filled
you shared your love with a boy who loved you for the boy you are
and you buried him in a shallow grave in the brick-red mud of your backyard
but you can’t read his words anymore even though they’re written on your heart
for a mirror only shows you the end of the story of a scar
and the shadows in your rearview will only follow you so far
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Moon Rabbit Norman, Oklahoma
my name is avery. i write songs, and i hope they mean something to you <3
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